Okay, I'm Done Avoiding, Well, Everything
Well hello! I realize its been a while, but honestly, I just didn't have it.
Realizing that a successful blog requires consistency & near constant engagement, I just couldn't commit to that this summer. For the most part, I have been using this outlet as a way to sort my brain out. Other than the Mama Monday series (which will be starting again in the fall!), this is where I can come and vent. Where I can unload the heaviness that can come with being a mother and a wife and an employee and a creator and a friend.
This summer though, I've successfully avoided any heaviness weighing me down. Call it survival. With the Sarge on deployment, that's basically how I've been getting through the summer. Survival-mode.
My mom was able to stay with us for a majority of the time, and if you follow me on instagram or are my friend on facebook, you will have seen the recent ode to Nunny. I would have lost my shit a long time ago had it not been for her. But, on Sunday, she went back home to sleep in a real bed instead of an air mattress, and prepare for a sister weekend she SO deserves.
With her departure came ALL. THE. FEELINGS. I don't know if its because we are in the homestretch now and we have 30 days, give or take, until daddy gets home. Or if she was so good at distracting me that I didn't have time to think about how damn much I miss my husband.
And busy is an understatement. Between adding more classes to my schedule at the pool (I'm an aquatic fitness instructor!), and the 1,000 home projects I tackled(new garage built, gutted and renovated the flower beds, purged every tote in our storage area, reorganized and purged the basement, ripped up the carpet and painted in the living room, attempting to finish the almost one year reno on the kitchen - still not done, dealing with the bank to get a giant ass driveway poured in the back, hopefully before Nick gets home so he can just enjoy it and not have to worry about it), planning and throwing Roscoe's 1st birthday party, not to mention the numerous day trips with the boys, attempting to have a social life, and two stints in NC/SC, there has been little time to mope(or blog).
But on Sunday, it was like the flood gates opened and I was fighting tears for most of the day. The stress of handling the next month without a partner was closing in. Securing sitters while I'm at the pool, getting Jordy ready to go back to school, trying to figure out whether Roscoe is really cutting his 2nd nap or if he's being ornery, and the million other things that are often so much easier when another person is there. Even if they don't do anything but are present, at least I knew I wasn't alone.
So I took a few days to mope. I cried when the kids weren't around, I slept in(I usually set my alarm for 6am in order to get some mama-time before the boys wake up) and took naps, I ate like garbage, and I basically did nothing but play games on my kindle, listen to audiobooks, and not get out of my pajamas.
And then yesterday, I was forced to get out of bed because we had Roscoe's 1 year appt. I got up when my alarm went off at 6am, I took my time getting ready, enjoyed my coffee on the porch, and thought about what our day was going to look like. And damnit if I didn't feel like a million dollars walking out the door to the peds office. For the first time in a long while, I felt like I had my shit together and it wasn't just chaos all the time. Like the days weren't going to be so stressful and hectic while I navigated the remainder of deployment by myself.
Yes, I have tons of help from my other family members and friends(if I remember to ask, because honestly, when you're elbow deep in kids and house and groceries and work and diapers and meals, you forget to ask until it's over. OOPS), but when we're home, its just me holding it down, and it can be a lot with a one and a three year old. But I tried to remember what I promised myself prior to deployment. I remembered that I cannot tamp down these hard feelings because I'm afraid they'll break me. Because they won't! I simply won't allow it. But leaning into them, FEELING them, sorting them out and giving myself some grace is how to move through them.
Don't get me wrong, had I not been forced to start my day differently yesterday, I'd still be wallowing. But starting my day early, leaving time for reflection and some quiet time, getting an idea of how we're going to go about our day, and maybe playing some mindless game on my kindle for a bit, by myself, without interruptions, REALLY changes the trajectory of how my day is going to go.
So, I dealt. I spent yesterday sorting out my emotions and reveling in the process of starting my day the way I NEED to. And you know what? There was less stress, less anxiety, less yelling. And I could tell the kids were responding to it because they were absolute gems, which is not exactly how they have been acting lately(they've been monsters actually).
This morning, my alarm went off, I only hit snooze one time instead of 8, and I spent the morning on the porch, preparing our day, meditating on my feelings, having coffee in peace, and you know what happened? Jordy gave me over 2 hours of quiet time before he got up, and I'm currently still waiting for Coe to wake.
Goal for remainder of deployment: Wait, scratch that. GOAL FOR EVERY SINGLE DAY: take the mama time I need to get my mind right. Stop avoiding hard things because it seems easier than dealing with them. Avoidance is like a fast spreading fungus. It seeps into every part of your life and ends up making everything harder than if you'd just womanned up an dealt with it from the beginning.
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